Thursday, January 19, 2012

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

The truth is I had not been dealing very well with losing my grandmother.  I just was not...Things like the picture below would never happen again..It was too much for me to handle..
 My grandmother was a friend, mentor and grandma to many of us.  Even to our friends.  She treated our friends just like one of her own children.  This is my friend Danielle.  My grandmother adored her and the feeling was mutual.   
 There is nothing my grandmother wouldn't discuss with you.  Nothing..She wanted to know everything and was there for all of us every minute of our lives...  




 And this house was always *home*.  Going back home every year was comforting.  Nothing ever changed.  It was the same as it was when I was a kid.  You could always count on it.    
Now its all different..All these trees are now gone.  My Uncle, her son, will be living in this house within a few months with their own things there.  It will now be their home .  

I thought I would never be able to deal with seeing this house without the trees...My aunt and uncle sent me pictures and now I know what the house  looks like without them.  I handled it.. 


My Grandmother gone. 

It was all just too much..   I got to the point that getting out of bed was just pure work.  Each day one foot in front of the other until that day was over and then it would start all over again.  The pain of losing her always was greater than any joy in my day.  I felt that perhaps that was just the way I was going to be living my life.  It was not a pretty picture.  I know that people lose family members and go on, but I just couldn't seem to get a grip on it.  How do people do it?  I know that some people even lose children and the pain of that must be so horrible.  I began to try to put it all into perspective.  My grandmothers age, almost 92.  She really did get to have a long life.  Her health was getting worse and she suffered many days.  She managed to be able to live in her own home right up until the last day.   That was a good thing.  I don't know what the future might have held should she have gone on longer, perhaps even an assisted living center etc., who knows?  That is something she didn't want so I'm glad that never had to happen for her.  We often discussed death and she often wondered how it would end.  Do I wish it would have ended differently for her?  Yes.  But none of us get to decide that do we?  This was one of the big things that bothered me for quite some time.   
I had friends and family tell me that time would make things better.  I didn't believe them..
But I have to say that I'm starting to see that time does heal pain.  I have found that I can now talk about her without totally breaking down and I can think about her without crying every time and my days are looking brighter!   She definitely would not want me to be not living my life to the fullest.  I know this is true..My life had suffered in just about every aspect.  I have many many things to be happy and thankful for.  I love my home and animals and being with Mickey.  I have my son and healthy happy grandchildren to enjoy.  I even like my job!  So I have finally struggled back but I have to say it was about the hardest thing I have ever done.  Thanks to everyone that helped me along the way.  You'll never know what your words of encouragement have done. 
Am I so naive to believe that one of these days out of the blue I'm going to have another meltdown for a few minutes or so?  No.  But am I finally to a place where I can get up in the morning and be thankful for my day and appreciate my life with all the people and animals and things that make me grateful to be alive?  Yes..
So the theory of time does help heal is true.  
I used to love to write in this blog.  I loved sharing all the things that happen and loved hearing back from all of you.  I miss all of that.   
Hopefully you will see a change now in me and in the blog.  A happier me.
I think I'm finally back.  It just all took time.
Thanks for being there for me..
You'll never know what it has meant, because there are no words to express.
Just know it.
Love,
Me   





2 comments:

  1. I am happy to see you back. I missed you!
    And I hope each day gets better and better!!!

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  2. Believe me I KNOW how hard it is going day , by day. So days is much worse than others. People will say whats wrong with you? As if I am mad or whatever, no not mad lost in my own thoughts and don't want to let anyone else in! I know Frank wouldn't want me this way but I just can't help it. It has not gotten easier for me, he is in my thoughts every day I talk about him every day, I am so glad you are back, sure did miss you & I just know Uncle Frank did too.

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